Q&A with Mary Marcdante

What about our relationships with our mothers is so important that you had to write My Mother, My Friend?

One of my favorite songwriters, Joni Mitchell sang it best, "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." The way we think about and talk with our mothers impacts every aspect of our lives - our sense of self, our health and relationships, the way we face crisis and opportunity, and ultimately the results we get in life. Most of us only discover this long after it can really benefit us or our mothers. I came to understand this the night I heard, "Your mother has ovarian cancer." I was 38. Suddenly, a woman who had annoyed me most of my life became the most interesting and precious person on the planet to me. I had so many things I wanted to tell her and questions to ask her, some of which will never be answered because she died before I had the awareness or courage to broach them. For those questions I was brave enough to ask, her answers were, at times shocking, profound, or just simply comforting. I wrote My Mother, My Friend to make sure that every woman (and man) has the questions, communication techniques, encouragement, and confidence to talk easily and honestly with their mothers about what is most important while they still have time to enjoy each other.

What are the ten most important things I should talk about with my mother?

The top ten topics are: health, money, self-image, men and intimacy, resolving conflict, family secrets, aging, spirituality, death and dying, and appreciation. If you're not sure which topic to address first, ask yourself where your point of crisis or interest is, or which topic you're most avoiding. Each topic is a chapter in the book and has communication suggestions throughout and questions at the end of that chapter to guide you through your conversation.

What are three tips from My Mother, My Friend to help make it easier to talk with my mom?

1) Reframe the way you think about your mother. Treat her with as much care and attention as you would your best friend. Instead of thinking of her as difficult, shift to thinking of her as a friend in a difficult situation. You'll respond with more compassion and she'll be more open to your ideas.

2) Start off every conversation by stating a positive intention such as, "I really appreciate when you tell me what's going on for you. It makes it easier for me to be honest with you."

3) Pause a few seconds longer than normal before jumping in with another response when she's answering your questions. You'll be amazed at how much more information she'll give you when you slow down your automatic thoughts.

What's one of your favorite stories in My Mother, My Friend?

They all are! Two of my favorites today are "I Never Thought You Needed Me," on page 115 because it reminds me that painful relationships can change for the better when we compassionately speak our truth, and "That Toilet Paper Thing You Do With Your Hair" on page 81, because it still makes me laugh twenty years after it happened!

What's one of the most important things you've learned from writing My Mother, My Friend?

How important it is to do whatever you can to discover the hidden treasure chest in your relationship with your mother. I am astonished by what I've gained as a result of exploring uncharted emotional territory with my mom, both before and after her death. When I chose to go beyond superficial conversation and embrace my mother's gifts instead of ignoring or resisting them, I found what I'd been yearning for -- more love, self-confidence, synchronicity, miracles, and joy in my life.