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The Four Things Mothers Most Want From Their Adult Children More than 150 million greeting cards are exchanged every Mother’s Day. It’s the number one gift given to mothers followed by flowers, plants, clothing and jewelry. All the major long-distance companies say Mother’s Day is their busiest day of the year. They log 130 million calls compared to a normal Sunday of 90 million. When the U.S. Postal Service did a poll last year, 62 percent of the survey group said they normally visit their mom on Mother’s Day. But what does Mom really want? In a recent national retailers' poll of mothers,
49 percent of mothers expected flowers; 13 percent said they wanted them. It’s
presence, not presents, that count. In MY MOTHER, MY FRIEND: The Ten Most Important Things to Talk About with Your Mother (A Fireside Original/Simon & Schuster Trade Paperbacks; April 10, 2001; $12.00; 0-684-86606-4) author Mary Marcdante interviewed over 400 mothers and daughters. Her research shows that mothers said flowers and candy and other material gifts were nice, but the gift of spending time with them had the most lasting memory. There were four types of appreciation mothers said they wanted most: · Time · Kindness in words and actions · Captured memories · Services that improve the quality of her life Marcdante is a communication and stress-management expert who presents programs concerning women’s health and self care. In MY MOTHER MY FRIEND she guides readers through the process of changing patterns of communication and, ultimately, your relationship to your mother and yourself. Through questions, exercises, sample dialogues, and communication techniques you will learn how to talk to your mother, woman to woman, about the issues of life and death and everything in between including money, aging, family secrets, romance and intimacy, and self-image and beauty. Unique in style, tone, and content, MY MOTHER, MY FRIEND takes the reader beyond theory and anecdote, and gives adult daughters insights and strategies they need in order to see their mothers as people worth knowing and celebrating. ABOUT THE AUTHOR: MARY MARCDANTE is a communication and stress management expert. Since starting her speaking and training company in 1980, she has spoken to over 200,000 people around the world. Her corporate and association clients include Hewlett-Packard, National Association for Women’s Health, and Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance. She lives in Del Mar, California. For more information, contact www.marymarcdante.com/mymothermyfriend or www.simonsays.com MY
MOTHER, MY FRIEND from
MY MOTHER, MY FRIEND by Mary Marcdante One of the most meaningful and least expensive ways to appreciate your mother is simply to tell her what you value about her. Give her a compliment. Here are six tips to help you acknowledge your mother more easily: 1.
Catch Mom in the act of being herself at her best, doing something good,
honorable, kind, or helpful. Research done by Blanchard Training and Development has
shown that we need twelve positive comments to overcome one negative. Dr. John Gottman,
author of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work found in his research that
the common denominator in successful marriages is five positive gestures or statements for
every one criticism. The bottom line is that everyone needs positive feedback. Check in
with yourself. How often do you acknowledge your mother? Make a list of ten of her
strengths, talents, and skills. Write them down in a card and read them to her. Tell her
that the rules are that there is no playing down or denying that what you say is true, and
that if she can’t think of anything to say, “Thank you,” is enough. 2.
Be specific in what you’re praising. Instead of saying, “Thanks
for calling, Mom,” say, “Thanks Mom, for asking how my meeting went. You’re
the only one who remembers the details of my life. I feel so loved by you.” 3.
Use positive words. When Peggy Noonan was writing speeches for President
Ronald Reagan, she changed his words from “I’ll never forget you,” to
“I’ll always remember you.” It may seem like a small detail, but changing
your language from negative to positive can make a difference in your level of energy and
how people respond to you. Our energy decreases when we use negative words and increases
when we hear and say positive words. 4.
Be immediate with your praise. People don’t change without a sense of
urgency. If you want to change your thoughts about your mother from criticism to
appreciation, you’ll want to acknowledge her positive actions as quickly as possible.
Do this for yourself, too. Give yourself praise throughout the day, and you’ll be
less dependent on your mother’s praise to validate you. 5.
Be sincere. Remember the time you flattered someone because you felt they
needed to hear it and their response was one of surprise or denial. Perhaps it was because
your intent was to make them feel better rather than to honestly acknowledge something
positive you noticed. It is essential to tell the truth. Rather than flatter or patronize
your mother, acknowledge that she seems a little down and ask, “What can I do to
help?” 6. Be personal. Acknowledge how you feel about what your mother did for you. Positive feelings such as happiness, satisfaction, gratitude, pride, pleasure, relaxation, relief, joy, confidence, and competence motivate us to be better. “Thank you so much for offering to drive me to the doctor. I’ve been scared about this appointment and having you there will help keep me calm.”
Activities
To Do With Your Mom to
Celebrate Mother’s Day… from MY MOTHER, MY FRIEND by Mary
Marcdante q Plan a surprise party for her birthday or Mother’s Day q Make an audiotape or videotape of all the things you love about her and give it to her q Schedule a spa day, manicure, pedicure, or massage q Make her a scrapbook of photos and poems q Create a memory jar or memory box q Give her a service that will improve the quality of her life · Lawn mowing, snow plowing · Grocery delivery, housecleaning · Driving her to her doctor appointments · A
senior yoga or exercise class Questions to Ask Your Mom…
· What is one of your happiest memories? · What’s one of the most meaningful gifts you’ve received? · What’s one of the most loving things someone has done for you? · What’s one of the most loving things you’ve ever done for someone? · What music, poetry, art, books, or movies have most inspired you? · What’s your favorite place in nature? · If you had six months left to live, how would you spend it? · If this were your last day on earth, what would you do? · What are you most grateful for? Why? Count your blessings. Name 10. · What’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever done for yourself? · What's the best compliment anyone has ever paid you? · What do you value most in yourself? What do you value most in me? · What contribution to life are you most proud of? · Three things I really appreciate about you, Mom, are… |